Monday, March 28, 2011

Her name is Jeff Hanneman

It was an incredible, gorgeous sight. I was walking aimlessly around the streets of Florence when my peripheral vision saw her. I dug my heals into the concrete path and turned 90 degrees to face the window. Squishing my nose up against the glass, I began to stare and glare at her. The fog of my breath blinded my view of her long neck and perfectly shaped body. It was her alright, exactly who I have been dreaming about for 4 years.  She was dressed head to toe in grey camouflage, and itching for some hot, heavy, action. 

I walked into the shop and met the shop keeper and I quickly asked if I could meet her. 

"Posso incontrare, Jeff Hanneman?"
"Certo signore." he smiled.

He brought me over to her and gently pulled her away from the window. With cautious grace, he handed her to me by the neck. Carefully, I then placed my right hand under her bottom and clutched her neck above the shop keeper's hand. 

Finally, my dream had come true, and how fitting it was for me to meet her in one of Italy's most romantic cities.

Immediately, I could not believe just how heavy and dense she was.  This American girl was built to be abused and to sustain those long nights. I wanted to pinch her harmonics and make her hit that high C; and she wanted to be plugged in and turned on.

I examined her body and the back of her neck. She had been properly abused, as she did show some travel, wear n' tear, but I knew that if I were to take her home; she would plead for some hands on attention. Because in my in my mind, she is a work of art, which belongs on my wall.

I turned her around gingerly, and examined every detail and spec. She was authentic, from the EMG's and right down to the ebony skin of her neck.  Upon closer inspection, she was very dirty, and needed some Lem Oil to clean the black, "sweat goo" between her frets. I could just imagine having an intimate evening with her, gently polishing all 24 of her extra jumbo frets and voluptuous body; then promptly thrash her about, to a tune that I desire.

Oh yes, she needed some TLC, as she was in dire need to be properly intonated.

"Quanto costa per lei?" I asked, while drooling all over her Kahler System which was disgracefully slovenly and unbalanced by 3 degrees.  Though she has a Kahler! Very hot!

"In Euro??? Un mille sei cento. ($1600)." He said happily.

Brand new she is worth about $5,000 US. In Canadian he was selling Jeff for roughly, $2,500.

I thanked the man and I told him that I would think about it.  I reluctantly handed back to him my dream guitar.  For a brief moment in time, she was all mine.  

Perhaps one day, I'll take her to the shore of the the Arno River and create music together.

Antony S Scandale 2009